What if I would have gotten pregnant easily? What if I got to feel the miraculous feelings of growing a human life inside of me? What if I got to see what my DNA mixed with my husbands looked like in a little person that was made by us? What if I never become a mom at all? What if I didn’t know what the heartbreak of infertility felt like? What if I never ever get pregnant? What if I can’t get through this? What if I just became a mom when I wanted to? What if..?
Those are just a few of the big what ifs that floated around my head during the hardest part of our infertility journey and some still float around my head today. I’ve shared about our infertility journey openly for a few years now and I am thankful to say that I am in a place of peace with our story and the fact that we will likely not have biological children. But there is still this tiny piece of me that knows it is not impossible. What if it happened for us? What if despite all of the odds we were those people that miraculously got pregnant with the tiniest percent chance we’ve been given? Or what if this really is a closed door for us even though we do have that tiny little chance that it could happen? It is all so complicated emotionally.
We have a lot of things against us- PCOS, history of ovarian cancer, and some male factor infertility being the biggest known issues but even then there could still be more stuff we don’t know about. The days of actively trying to conceive were so stressful and emotional. I remember trying to take every supplement, oil, and superfood possible because it worked for my friend’s friend. The craziest I got was when I heard about fertility hypnosis so I laid in my bathtub in the dark and found a video on Youtube and wondered if I was crazy or if this was the piece of the puzzle I was missing to get pregnant. You can drive yourself mad trying to get pregnant when your body isn’t allowing it to happen easily.
What if I don’t get pregnant but it’s ok? What if I come to a place where I find peace in my life without getting pregnant? What if I can start to live my life without fixating and stressing on how and when I will get pregnant? What if I give up my control to the one who numbered the stars? What if I let go and let God be in control? What if I can find peace in my infertility? What if I can say enough is enough and I can breathe and go on with my life as I trust God will hold my heart no matter how confusing and unfair it all is? What if that is the thing that will lead me to the exact place I need to be?
And that is how I became a mom.