January 27th, 2015
This was the morning I woke up and wrote these words in my journal.
“Last night Steven and I got on the same page and we agreed we feel ready to start our family. I know we have only been married a little over a year and we thought we would hold off a few years having kids but it just feels right! We long to be parents so what is the point in waiting any longer? I am so excited for this journey and can’t wait to be a mom.”
Oh how I wish I could go back to that version of myself on that morning. Oh how I wish I could sit down with her and tell her it was going to be a long, hard, painful, unexpected, grief filled journey. How I wish I could take away the naivety that it would happen so easily and so quickly and that I would have a baby in my arms in my timing. It makes me so sad to think of that Adrienne: excited, hopeful, expectant that my body would “work the way it should” and get pregnant and bring my husband and myself a healthy biological child. That my body would give us our dream come true of being parents and getting all of the beautiful moments every parent dreams of. It aches me to mentally go back to the places I drudged through. The emotions, the pain, the longing, and what never was. So much hope, so much anticipation, only to be grief stricken every time. It is so painful to put myself back in the shoes of wondering if I would ever be a mom. My greatest fear was that I wouldn’t get that gift.
Friends, if you are someone who got to start your family easily, that is such a precious gift that many do not receive. Do not take it for granted. There is an unspoken population that suffers through infertility. People who are living in the pain of not getting the experience that many people believe to be a right, to be parents, to experience the miracle of a kicking baby inside their body, to give birth, to cut up cute little sandwiches, to wipe up sticky little faces, to get slobbery kisses, to cheer on and point at their kid on the field saying “that’s my baby!”, to help with homework, to go on family trips, to experience the magic of childhood all over again, to watch them walk across the high school graduation stage, to walk them down the aisle as they marry their soulmate, to get a lifetime of memories that only being a parent could give you. Some people long for this and never get it. Or maybe they do get it but it takes YEARS of expensive, heart wrenching, body aching, treatments. If you’ve never spent time crying and wondering if you would ever get to experience these things, lucky you. I hope you don’t ever have to deal with it. Thankfully more and more people going through infertility are coming out and sharing their stories. The pain is slightly more manageable when you realize you aren’t alone.
Infertility is a pain that I have warred with and by the grace of God alone found healing over it. This is not everyone’s story who deals with infertility. My healing came through a dream deferred. By processing every emotion of my infertility, by letting go of my dream of having a biological child and saying to the Lord, I’m done, this is too hard, you do what you want with this and help me to trust you. My dream was deferred but given to me through the beautiful gift of adoption. For some, adoption is not the answer and please don’t push that idea on someone suffering through infertility. That is my story though and while I would never wish infertility on someone, my journey through it has shaped me as a person. It has shaped the way I love people through hard situations, it has shaped my faith, it has shaped who I am as a wife, as a woman, as a friend, and now as a mom.
If you are going through infertility, my heart is with you. It is often a pain that can’t be spoken. Every single tear is reasonable. Don’t you ever feel silly for how hard this is on you because it is freaking hard. I hope the Lord answers your prayers. He answered mine. I didn’t expect him to answer my prayers in the way he did, but oh am I grateful. May infertility bring unexpected miracles into your life in the best way possible. May it shape you into a better person- someone who is more caring, more grateful, more faithful- someone who has a story to share that could change someone’s life.